Come Line With Me

Aight,

So I've been thinkin for a while about the viability of gettin $pawny in the real on 'Come dine with me'. I can hear y'all ask "But $pawn, why would you wanna let a load of wastecadets anywhere near the Moat mansion even if you do get to go to their places and diss all their shit for no reason" and the answer is that Caprice did it once (see photo) and I've got a 110% chance of hittin that until she's so wet the bitch gets dry mouth if we got on the same episode nahmean? Again I can hear y'all ask "But $pawn, I know you got a physique so hard it makes diamonds look as soft as an Usher track and levels of swag so motherfuckin high it cures pussy cancer but aint it impossible to guarantee givin this choice piece of 90's ass internal bleeding?" Simple motherfuckers, y'all just aint seen my menu yet

Entrance:
Start this shit off right with a glass of Cristal and a bandanna at the door. The colour of the bandanna compares to how much I wanna break a motherfuckers jaw (orange). Gonna have to get two orange ones in case David Gest does another episode, he just don't sit right with me nahmean?

Pre appetizer drinks and shit conversation :
More Cristal, 'caine served ready cut on a mirror shaped like a Beretta 92FS. I'd spit some freestyles to get the honeys warmed up and the bres intimidated enough they aint gonna give a gangsta anything less than 11/10, show the bitches some guns (bitches love the chrome, makes 'em think about dicks - hence why my shits called the .50 cal: 'cause it can punch through the engine block of an '85 Eldorado and still turn a motherfuckin strippers snatch inside out)

Starter:
Sushi served on a naked shorty, high in protein and eaten off some bitches lower abdomen its a guaranteed hit - if you think anythin else you probably the kinda pussy who cries at birds gettin they heads stuck in beer cans thrown on the beach. THAT SHITS HILARIOUS SON

Main Course:
The Colonels original recipe all on a 6ft long silver platter with an ice sculpture of me gettin $pawny with Jodie Marsh wearing a crown and a cape (that shit is classy as hell). Right about now Caprice is gonna be stuffing a whole roll of Bounty all up in her lingerie to try and stop the Niagara $pawn brewin up in that motherfucker.

Dessert:
You gotta end this shit real classy get me? Naked shortys, a chocolate fountain and a bowl full of x tabs. Show me a motherfucker who doesn't dig the fuck outta ecstasy and melted chocolate at the same time and I'll show you a bitch who doesn't turn into a drooling child at the thought of an engagement ring. The homegirl C-doggs had 2 orgasms now and I aint even touched her.

I'm done with all this planning shit, now all I gotta do is make it a reality. I'll see y'all later, I've got some Caprice to go violate.

Peace





  

Doggy-style

Aight

It's been a while since I updated this shit - but there's been a metric fuckton of $pawnin to do out in the real so this virtual shits had to suffer, like the legions of bitches sufferin from not gettin my .50 cal right now cause I'm bloggin like a bitch. Long story $pawn sometimes a motherfucker gotta spend 5 months skiing with his nostrils and water-skiing with his dick nahmean? Y'all cant hold that shit against a gangsta, just like y'all cant blame a bear for shittin in the woods or Tulisa for soundin like a raging cunt on every track. Anyways I'm not writin this shit to explain what I've been doin that isn't spittin pure fire on blogspot - I'm here to  talk about this piece of finery riiiight here (see photo motherfucker) that y'all would fuck and if you wouldn't then you probably the type of pussy that signs petitions to ban tits on page 3 and uses words like objectification. YOU DAMN RIGHT ITS OBJECTIFICATION BITCH, ALSO IF THE FUCKERS ARE MADE OUT OF SILICONE THEN THEY TECHNICALLY AINT PART OF THE WOMAN. Anyways if I wanna $pawn me some tits I just catch the personalised limo shuttle to Spearmint Rhinos that's outside my door on a 24/7 ting so I don't need to read a newspaper that's got a team of journalists dedicated to what Holly Willoughby eats for her motherfuckin breakfast nahmean? One day its gonna be a picture of ya boy cause bitch be fine, empty Dom bottles eerywhere and a pair of panties with more moisture than the Great lakes all hangin off one of the cameras.

So this bitch is Stacey Solomon and she presents 'Top Dog Model'. Imma put that in some serious inverted commas because that shit is letting DMX look after your new pit-bull puppy levels of retarded right there. I mean a gangsta can see the appeal of insert wherever the fuck here's Next Top Model 'cause some of them are pretty fuckable but I aint into gettin $pawny with a fuckin dachshund nahmsayin? I mean Next Top Model had mad feminine appeal - fuck knows how many times I've heard a shorty screechin about how "She's pretty because she's unique" about some bitch who looks like a praying mantis and a really white Somali with out of control cheekbones forgot to use a rubber and also how to eat (protip: a gangsta don't give a shit about "unique" if the bitch aint fuckable then she aint "pretty").

What we're gettin here is Crufts but with a shitload of added oestrogen and instead of a bunch of old motherfuckers who spend way too long looking at dogs we've got a model (the fuck?!) some bre who I can't be fucked to research and the winners of Britain's Got Talent - some bitch and a dog that looks like a torn up tampon. Lemme just get this one straight: a fuckin dog is the most talented person in this motherfuckin country?! I COULD MURDER ANY DOG IN A 16 BAR FREESTYLE so that's some pretty obvious bs nahmean?    

Aight Let's get down to business:

Stacey Solomon - Pros and motherfuckin Cons

Pros:
Bitch be pretty fine, yeah you get some bad pictures (the Katona effect) but shortys got a nice body and she hasn't got Sarah Jessica Parker face as bad as Sarah Jessica Parker. Even a bre as $pawny as myself gets some bad pictures nahmean? Nobodies gonna look too hot after a week long Patron and 'caine binge

She'll get hookups to 'awards' ceremonies - I checked and these motherfuckers don't serve Cristal so you gotta bring your own but y'all could see if Holly Willoughbys there and try to get a glazed cocktail cherry down her cleavage (daaaaaammmn girl you really gotta holla at ya $pawn)

If you into shit dogs then you can watch her do whatever the fuck it is she does on this waste-gramme

Cons:
Look at that motherfuckin nose. Invite the bitch over for a line and a fuck and before you know it half a kilo and the breadbin you were hiding it ins disappeared (the Winehouse effect)

She was on Waste Factor

Imma say that the pros outweigh the cons but if to be honest I aint too sure, its up to y'all to decide if H Dubs tits are worth it,

Peace

Skin deep

Aight,

So I'm bein an academic motherfucker and watching a load of Russian tv to get my linguistic steez up 'cause I gotta go and sit in some bullshit room for 2 hours while some dour-faced bitch stares at me all on some uncomfotable ass little desk shit. I'm watchin some news 'cause I'm a current affairs OG and then I switch over to this music channel to catch their top 10. Three homeboys with mullets out of 10 acts, but hey - its Russia right? And it works for the lucky motherfuckers because they get bitches like this indescribably fine piece of ass that gets my dick more rigid than Tupac's tombstone. It got me thinkin when shorty grabbed her tit "Why the fuck don't we have bitches like this more often over here where you don't have to cover your shit all the time so y'all don't get tit frostbite or whatever?"  Russia got it right 'cause a bitch has gotta look good to get herself a fuck, I mean she aint even that special in Russia nahmean? We got it all fucked up over here, fat bitches thinkin they sexy and plain bitches getting to pick and choose which homie they go for. It just aint right, so bein $pawny as fuck imma save this country one bitch at a time with my new self help plan called:

'How y'all bitches can be like Russian bitches and look better and shit'

1) GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN GYM
Run, cycle, do extensive ab workouts in crop-tops or use those thigh machines that give me a hardon while I'm tryin to do my shrugs - I aint give a fuck, just get yo ass in shape. When I was hittin the gym in Russia and provin that not all Europeans are 5-0 squealin, 3 beer drinkin, mens health chest workout pussies there was a veritable fuckin sea of fit as fuck shorties in lycra doin straight legged deadlifts everywhere. Shit was distractin but it's better than seein some fat bitch in short-shorts and tights waddling down the street.

2) WEAR HIGH HEELS/HIGH HEELED BOOTS ALL THE TIME AND TIGHT JEANS
IMPORTANT:You only wanna progress to this step once you sure that you got a fine peachy ass and a pair of legs that could out-choke an anaconda. Don't go thinkin that you'll look like a hooker 'cause thats what jealous ho's and bre's who cry with guilt after they masturbate think - they cant handle an ass that fine. That shit will make you look hot as a crematorium in Compton, nahmean? If people cant handle you cause you tall then find someone a bit more $pawny, I look good next to any shorty -  be they tall, short, thin or that  new bitch on Countdown

3) COSMETICS ARE YOUR HOMEGIRL
Don't argue with me on this one now, 'cause we all know this is the truth

Ultra advanced level:
MAKE YOUR TITS LOOK LIKE IULIANA'S (SEE BITCH ABOVE)
However you wanna do that then I got your back, surgery, some kind of fucked up miracle bra, a Brazilian guy with a syringe and some olive oil, whatever. If you do this then holla at ya $pawn and I'll bring a bottle of Dom, some SERIOUS chocolate and we can do 'caine off your world-endingly good tits. I'll even let you choose which side

Imma get back to watching some newsreaders chat about depressing shit while looking fine,

Peace 

Put yo hand(s) up

Aight,

So I've been kinda fucked recently - a load of bitches followed me into a room where I was trainin on a punchbag (forgot to turn my swag off again) which meant I had to set it up near a wall. Long story $pawn I've got a broken hand and the only heavy weight Im gonna be pushin over the next few weeks is up my nose. Whilst Im contemplatin being stuck sonnin motherfuckers on a daily with only one righteous fist and rollin joints that look like a 12 year olds drawin of Sarah Jessica Parkers long ass face (y'all know you'd still hate fuck it) I thought I'd give y'all a little list of $pawny shit to do if you got two hands.

I couldn't find any pictures of shortys with an arm in a cast and a thick ass without signin up to some bullshit fetish site or somethin so y'all can put up with this fly piece of cast right here (seriously if these plaster lovin motherfuckers want to be wrapped up so bad just tell me that Escalades are shit and you'll be furiously trying to jack off with your broken ass arms in no time)

1. Eating KFC and drinkin Cristal at the same time
There is basically no other achievement in the field of $pawniness that ranks higher than this (I mean there is some other shit you can do that's on the same level but this is like some Nobel prize shit right here). This is pretty much what I imagine my main homie Colonel Sanders is doin on a 24/7 thang up in heaven

2.  Sniffin 'caine off a strippers stomach while doin weighted tricep dips.
If I need to explain why this is somethin you want to do maybe y'all should just close down this shit, turn your lil Wayne up and go back to talkin about how you want to suck a sparkly cock on a twilight message board. Just a suggestion.

3. Pushin cyclists over when they on the pavement
Son thinks he's so bad with his two wheels? I GOT FOUR LIMBS MOTHERFUCKER, THIS IS MY CURB

4. Kicking the shit outta one of N-Dubz
I don't care which one it is as long as its not Tulisa. She fine. I'd donkey punch the living fuck outta the back of her head if the bitch even sounded like she was gonna sing though.

I got a fuck ton more but this typing shit is wack with a broken hand. Imma keep droppin knowledge when I can but I got a lot of serious academic shit on in the real - $pawn of Moat B.A. (shout out the A-team) has a real nice motherfuckin ring to it nahmean?

Peace

'Mo money, 'mo problems

Aight,

So its been a long time since I updated this ting but a motherfuckers gotta get $pawny in the flesh as well nahmean? I cant spend every week doin this shit when I gotta be correcting wackness in the real (like the littlest hobo but I aint a dog, dont wanna be treading on DMX's paws). Anyway I thought I'd do something real special that'd make the bitches turn into Niagara Falls and give the homies somethin to aspire to - a video blog  tearing some vapid bitch with too much moneys reality show made for youtube apart for like half an hour. The homie Diamante D came over to the new Moat Man$ion with some serious video recording shit and we hit Frank Tampax up on the celly to get the name of this audio-visual cunt parade. Long story short the bitch has taken it down so Imma have to do the next best thing until one of my sources can get me an episode on the d-low and do a written blog about one of her tracks - Untouchable (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIZ1r-ynvik)... But first a little backstory: Bitch is spoilt as a candy-coated motherfucker - she spent £4m on her 21st birthday which is dumb as all fuck because I'm fairly sure a jacuzzi, half a kilo of 'caine, 10 escorts, 20 cases of Cristal and an Eazy E best of album is MUCH less than 4 mil (maybe she got ripped off on the 'caine, bitch is pretty dumb).
Aight so down to business, basically I'm only gonna talk about the REALLY dumb shit because all of the filler is wack as fuck and I aint got the time get me? First her logo thats in the background throughout this shit looks like what a 14 year old bitch would want tatted all up in her tramp stamp area but with 'Kaylee' or some other stupid ass stripper name instead of 'Freya'.
The bitch is screeching about how she just "lost hold of gravity" - knowing how to taste for cut in 'caine might be the most scientific I get (aside from my PhD in bitches) but I'M FAIRLY SURE YOU CAN'T HOLD GRAVITY DUMBASS, THAT MOTHERFUCKER HOLDS YOU AND IT SURE AS FUCK IS KEEPING A FIRM GRIP ON THOSE TITS DESPITE YOUR CUSTOM-DESIGNED BRA'S BEST EFFORTS
 "Who do you think you are? Banging down that door" well bitch when someone bangs down my door (its either the 5-0 or an army of shortys when I forget to turn my swag off at night) y'all can guarantee that I don't stand there asking for them to identify themselves in the dumbest way possible with a bullshit shaky voice thats trying way too motherfuckin hard to be Beyonce.
"Can't touch me, not touchable" I could touch your psyche when I say you a bit fat and your insecure ass either spends $$$s on personal training or lose it the Moatercise way (fuckin - I devised this exercise plan for Kerry Katona and the bitch still hasn't holla'd). Unless she talking bout the reverse Midas effect where everything the bitch touches turns daddys cash to shit.
OHHHH SICK after another verse of basically the same tired bullshit theres a slow RnB breakdown CAUSE I JUST CAN'T GET E-MOTHERFUCKIN-NOUGH OF SLOW RNB BREAKDOWNS. IT'S LIKE 2005 UP IN THIS BITCH
The 3rd verse man, the motherfuckin third verse. I aint even gonna say shit because word is bond eeryting is stick-your-dick-in-a-blender retarded. Like whoever she hired to write all 20 different words of the entire track just thought 'nah blud I've had enough' and added a faster bit rhyming 'you' with 'you' and threw on some shit about the bottom of the ocean cause hey, motherfuckers gettin paid whatever right? They probably told her it was a rap verse and she added hip-hop to her interests on facebook for a week.

Well homies and $pawnettes, that was wack as all fuck. I'm still down for a collab album with this bitch though but I get to 1) pick the beats 2) write the tracks 3) perform the tracks and 4) choose the album artwork. She can 1) pay for it. To sweeten the deal I'll even throw in the Moatercise plan for free

Peace

Voyeurism

Aight,

So I was chillin out a few weeks ago and I had to watch an episode of Big Brother because my homie wouldn't give me the remote and maybe he's into that masochism ting but only on his brain or whatever. Anyways there's some shortys chattin about whatever vapid shit that bitches who not only like this shit but have like 15 free weeks of their life to try and impress 14 year old girls on tv chat about and as y'all can see the bitches aint bad; one of them's a wrestler according to the squealing, perfumed retards who get paid to write for bitches magazines on the internet so this piece of finerys probably got thighs that could crush a watermelon as bad as Left Eye's jeep... imagine what she'd do to your chromepiece. Don't give a fuck what happened after but then one of them got kicked out and they all cried like middle aged bitches on Maury and some bre spat a fuckin super wack freestyle where he said "I dont know what to do" like 3 times and made up some words (some fuckin SERIOUS Lil Wayne shit right there). I'd try and imitate how wack this shit was (because I almost smacked the nearest shorty desperately tryin to get to my 50cal with rage) but I just get too $pawny and I end up spittin straight murder with made up words (the bre said 'pre' as a verb, THAT SHIT DON'T EXIST SON). As I sat there watchin these mouth breathers talk about some mad dumb shit I realized that Channel 5 could make a motherfuckin ton of Gs if the show got more interesting - ie if they paid me to do this ting for em (holla at ya $pawn executive bitches)

WHY THIS BITCH-GRAMME WOULD BE LESS WACK IF IT GOT $PAWNY AS FUCK:
1) The shopping budget would be 20 gs a week and be spent on serious VIP shit only - Cristal, 'Caine, Endo and Steak. No other motherfucker gets a say in what its spent on because they all straight up pussies who buy shit like salad and tampons.
2) Those bitches that play eerybody and think they sexy as fuck? Yeah that shit stops right now, I'd have em crying twice in the first hour: once as I verbally slapped they ass back in place and twice as they gag reflexes kick in when my VIPenis fucks they throats.
3) No more bitchy arguments over stupid bullshit like fuckin everything in that retard camp, that 'extroverted' 'arty' bre thats typical in this shit (if I'm wrong with this series then I don't give a square fuck) bitching about not doing the washing up? DON'T MAKE ME SMACK A BITCH, SON
4) All house 'tasks' would be changed to either 'staying the fuck outta my way' or 'fucking in the hot tub' (obviously for the shortys only)
5) The waste shit they play for em over the house PA's gettin changed to M.O.P. and M.O.P. only, for at least 2 hours a day because that oestrogen lair needs some more fuckin serious aggy shit.

Thats it motherfuckers, Imma go lift some weights and forget about wastecadets watching wastecadets be wastecadets.

Peace

Skinny

Aight,

So since I'm in a new hood I've been seein a load of motherfuckers wearin some jeans that either they illiterate and they cant read which size they are or they all deluding themselves into thinkin they look good like a fat bitch eatin a 'low calorie' trifle after her fried chicken. Lets get this straight once and for motherfuckin all - skinny jeans are designed for bitches like the fly ass lower half of the shorty in this photo. WHO SKINNY JEANS ARE NOT DESIGNED FOR: 1) Fat girls - if you not confident enough to wear a fly ass miniskirt then skinny jeans sure as fuck aren't a more conservative way for you to show off what you got because what you got is cellulite and the beginnings of type 2 diabetes. Dont get me wrong, if you curvy then $pawn loves ya but curvy means like bitch be thick at the very most, if you got a gunt and yo ass is big (but not the good kind) you just fat so get out of the kitchen and do a few thousand laps, then we'll talk. In the meantime seein that shit makes me ill so just wear somethin that draws attention away from your butter physique and the king size galaxy bar in yo chubby ass hands. 2) Bres - if you a bre and you wearin skinny jeans somebody gotta slap you stupid and call it help. I ain't hatin I'm helpin - its like if you see a retarded kid runnin down the street I'd help him to find his parents (writin this shit) instead of pushin the little motherfucker into oncoming traffic (lettin you dumbasses keep wearin skinny jeans). If you wearin this shit eerybody thinks you a grade A pussy - I dont know how a motherfucker fits his penis in those things, fuck even tryin to bust a  sick as fuck knee on some fool. If a shorty thinks you sexy in these then she just wants another bitch with a flesh strap-on and denim rash. Then again if you one of the bitch-made wastecadets wearin these topshop created castrations then you probably too busy cryin about feelings or discussin obscure-for-the-sake-of-it music by suburban motherfuckers who saw a fight once on tv and pissed themselves for three days straight. I dont even give a fuck about fashion and I aint gonna judge a motherfucker on what they wearin but fat bitches and wastemen in these things just aint right nahmean?  Bottom line is - wear what you want as long as you look fly. Second bottom line is - shape up London cause it's gettin $pawny.