Hybrid

Aight,

I'm illin out, watching some Jerry motherfuckin Springer on one of those bitch channels when the ad break comes up. I  miss the opportunity to go grab my fine self a 40oz and instead I catch the dumbest shit known to man; an advert for "Ghost hunting with The Only Way is Essex"... yeah imma give you a few seconds to let that motherfucker sink in because it sure took me a while to let that shit penetrate (maybe I'm missing the retard gene that makes this shit acceptable, who the fuck knows). Now lets get this shit straight and ignore the obvious thangs that make a gangsta rage so hard his brain cops some collateral damage. GHOSTS DO NOT EXIST BITCHES you can say there's "real life footage" but all those poltergeists floatin round a burning cross? Yeah those are inbreds wearing sheets (if you black or gay they're probably more scared of you than you are of them, like mice get me?) and all those spooky ghost programs about haunted houses? Structural integrity  motherfuckers, old houses creak n shit - if y'all cant deal with an old house creaking without shittin in yo pants then you need to harden the fuck up.
After I pulled my jaw up off the floor and pulled my fingers out of the death grip they had on my shotty I analysed the adverts; some frail ass bre gettin scared because somethin bumps when he asks "Is anyone there?" YOU IN A HOUSE WITH AN ENTIRE PRODUCTION CREW MOTHERFUCKER, THEY CAN HEAR YO SHIT AND JUST STAMP ON THE FLOOR OR SOMETHIN. Bonfire night must be an absolute bitch for this pussy, all goin into cardiac arrest whenever he hears a bang. That fine as fuck piece of tail up in that picture gets shit scared too, I'd comfort the fuck outta that nahmean? Can y'all imagine comin home to that hottie? You could just put on a white sheet with some eyeholes (make sure that shit aint pointy on top though, not that the dumb bitch would know the difference but if a brothers outside the window your reps gonna take a hit) make a load of 'ooOOOoooOOO' sounds and she'd probably piss on the couch, that's a whole motherfuckin nights entertainment right there as long as shorty gets her shit together and cleans it up. Who the fuck watches this shit? People who look up at the fuckin sky and get scared that bitch is gonna fall down?! Even the pussy doesn't redeem this shit, take a look at that photo and tell me that isn't saying somethin. I will give it this - if instead of hearing ghost noises or bumps they were realizing just what their 'careers' were then the reactions would be 100% fuckin appropriate.

Whats up with that hybrid show bullshit anyway? Normal everyday bres gettin scared by noises aint good enough for you high flying tv execs? What's next? Strictly Bruce Forsyth on Gangs? Because it motherfuckin should be.

Peace  

F.A.C.E.B.O.O.K.

Aight,

A load of shits been said about facebook over the years and I thought I might as well give my million ducats on it (like my 2 cents but that's plain bitch money). Imma break it up into bits so all of y'all ADHD motherfuckers who cant read more than like 5 lines of text solidly can just pick out the part that'll stop you whining like a $15 Thai whore. First imma drop the bottom line - facebook is the shit, no screwin around, it only fucks your shit up (or so your bitch-ass thinks)  if you a grade a-tryin to put a square peg in a triangle hole-drooling on your shirt retard and let me explain why.
Dumbfuck reason 1 INVASION OF MY PRIVACY!! THEY USE MY INFO FOR ADVERTS!!!!!
Sometime a bre's illin out at his favourite bar or strip club of his choosing and he sees some adverts and thinks "you know what, a fly motherfucker like myself could do with a champagne bucket for my ride" or whatever else, sometimes its a website but what I'm gettin at is that these advertising bre's know what kinda gansgsta goes to the bar/strip club/website that they throwin their Gs at so they still gonna be doin what facebook does just you told em this time. Sometimes those ads are useful as eleven bitches and a crate of malt liquor or sometimes the whole ad recommendation thing shits itself and you get some seriously entertaining tings (once I got an ad about tampons sandwiched between legal steroids ads, thats some twisted Micheal Barrymore's hot tub after 1am shit right there).
Dumbfuck reason 2 THE GOVERNMENT CAN SEE ALL OF MY PERSONAL INFO!!!
Lets straighten this out - MI6, MI5, the CIA, FBI and all the rest of those alphabet-soup motherfuckers don't give a sixteenth of a shit whether your personal interests are 'your mum lol' 'goin out an gettin fucked up wiv my girlies' or 'bein no.1 gangsta'. If you p-noid about the 5-0 seein the vanity pictures of you smokin a spliff or doing lines of daz that some bre told you was coke then DONT PUT THE MOTHERFUCKERS UP .  If gettin fucked up is that much of a thang that you immediately need to shoot that shit onto your facebook then you need to get a life son (coming soon - $pawniversity).
Dumbfuck reason 3 MY EMPLOYERS CAN SEE ALL OF MY PICS FROM MY NIGHTS OUT!!!
I don't get this one because all of my thangs are gangsta as fuck and any employer would just hire a motherfucker anyway based on how VIP I run my shit on a night out. Anyways out of the goodness of my platinum plated heart I've compiled a list of employers who'd be fine with all of that shit for you pissy ass bitches.
WKD - those photos of you and your homies in a shitty chain-club where you've got yo thumbs up and your main mans got his arse out show you've got a WKD side so your all good. If that doesn't work then the photos of you getting thrown out by the bouncers (shout outs to mah Gs on the doors) for being cunts surely will.
Scientific testing - remember that time you and the rugby team (wheeey) went out on the 'lash express' after drinking each others piss in pint glasses for 'banter' all wearing dresses? I'm sure some scientific motherfuckers want to work out whether its nature or nurture that turns you into a huge, pulsating cock.
Moattourage - (only applicable to shortys with too much makeup on and their tits out) come get $pawny with a gangsta, I aint payin you shit but i'll throw you a 40oz and maybe you can hit the jizzay after we've fucked.  
That's all I'm givin you for free motherfuckers.

Facebook is the bomb, I've even got some pending friend requests a gwan with some bitches who got their slot-machines out on holiday (couldn't get that shit up for todays pic until they get their click on and accept a G nahmean?).

I'm all facebooked out. Let a motherfucker know in the comments if you want me to do another ting on facebook in the future, if not then leave this shit blanker than Paris Hilton's face when shes fuckin that bre in nightvision (I like to pretend that shits like the blair witch project, much more entertaining if you imagine that they're meant to be running from a bitch but they got wank attention spans and end up having shit sex)

Peace 

Countdown

Aight,

Countdown was the bomb, when I relax after a hard days gangsta shit I wanna hear some nasal voiced motherfucker sayin "give me a consonant Carol" and then some fuckin severe eye candy flashes up on the screen in a low cut dress and my main man R Dubs on the desk spittin some funny ass corny jokes. Word is that it's based on some bitchy French gameshow (shout out Wikipedia) - SURRENDER's a nine letter word innit. Instead - the fuck do I get now? Some weak ass fake smiling bre and some distinctly average bitch (she's mad fuckable but the buck stops there). I HAD TO LOOK THESE MOTHERFUCKERS NAMES UP. Jeff Stelling - who the fuck is that?! You could get Richard Whitely on a track and I bet he'd be rhyming all sorts of crazy shit like 'extrapolate' and some serious word business, bre knew how to charm a ho too - didn't get the street name 'waterfall' for no reason, get me?
  The new main man's wack as all fuck, at least there's still the finest piece of middle aged tail to ever walk the planet right? WRONG MOTHERFUCKER. Look at this picture, unless you got all fucked up in a freak brain accident and now you speak slower than lil' Wayne you don't let this finery walk. Shorty wants to retire? You give Carol half a mil a show and you buy the bitch some shoes (they love that shit). Motherfuckers gotta respect Carol, she aint the kinda woman you put in a schoolgirl outfit and fuck raw for a few hours - you gotta take her out for some nice ass cocktails all in a suit n shit and then you drive the bitch home and she makes some vowels when she's good and ready. Years of experience nahmean? You fuck C Vord and you come outta it with a Batchelors degree in screwin and the most envied dick in the country. Back in the day I was illin out in  physics lesson (that shit sucked yo) and we're watchin a video that's as boring as a bad handjob and all of a sudden Carol starts hosting some experiments or somethin serious. That's like the Dr telling you you've got ball cancer, checking the results or some shit and then telling you it's a mistake and handing you half a kilo of caine and a magnum of Dom P.
 They've still got Suzie 'undercover freak' Dent in dictionary corner (bitch so fine she could shit on the restaurant floor at dinner and I'd still take her home for some serious lovin) so y'all can imagine her in thigh high pvc 'fuck me' boots and black lingerie - which she blatantly wears in the real. Get Carol back and I'll apply to be a contestant for sheezy, yeah I'll be getting beaten 130-27 by some perma-virgin in a cardigan but eerrytime I get to pick the word I'll get ma game on and try to spell out 'orgasm' for real. You ever seen a slick motherfucker hit on Carol's fine self competently? Nah, but that'll change if these tv bitches get their shit together, anterior deltoid all covered in bite marks and a soaking wet g-string hanging off the clock hands.

And I'll shoot Suzie a hollowed out dictionary with five durex elites and a set of handcuffs.

Peace

Reality

Aight,

I haven't watched a single episode of these 'I'm from somewhere so watch me act like a cunt' programs because my moat senses tell me that they're shit and a mans gotta trust his instincts yeah? I CAN say that I'd fuck pretty much every woman on there and bitches are only hatin on em because they get paid to open their legs, act like sluts and cry about it and your average woman doesn't - that or these reality ho's are a fuckin waste of biology, who knows? I don't because I'm not socially handicapped enough to spend valuable $pawning time watching wastecadets speak in accents. I'd fuck both of the idiots in this picture even though the midget one with the shit hair gets pissed on by everybody all the time (haters gonna hate) cause compared to your average woman she's kinda aight, she wears leopardprint and I'd get all fucked up at "awards" ceremonies for free. The one on the left is mad fuckable and dumb women do funny shit, especially if they have self esteem issues bigger than hip hop. I'm not even gonna go into the British version of this shit because it's fuckin unbearable listening to the adverts and I probably don't need to see any of the Essex bitches to tell you I'd make em look like a spooky ghost with the amount of cum they'd get glazed with. This shit got me thinkin if I could do any better than the people who get serious ducats for drooling on themselves and shouting "LETS DO THE SAME SHOW, BUT IN NEWCASTLE!!!". Of course I fuckin can and to any execs reading this - holla at ya $pawn if you want to use any of this shit:
Gangbangin - Like Ross Kemp on Gangs but I get all Charlie Sheened up and exercise deliberately bad trigger discipline when they hand over their guns, there WILL be casualties but on whose side? Thats what'll keep these prime time motherfuckers tuning in.
Piers-ing the issue - Every week for 30 mins someone beats the everloving shit outta Piers Morgan, just tell him its a REALLY IMPORTANT talent show and he's gotta judge each beating or something, the egotistical cunt. The title could do with some pimpin but y'all can use celebrities if Charles Bronson ever gets outta the pen.
Kanyon - Kanye West tries to act like ma boy D Att and does a documentary on the ecosystem of the Grand Canyon, give him loads of fake shit to say and it'd be funny as fuck. Not so hot but I just wanted to make the pun.
Five Star Fucksury - This is kinda more of a porno idea but y'all could call it 'artistic' and it'd probably get on BBC3 or some shit. Basically gimme a room at the Ritz and a 10 G a night escort and I'll take care of the rest. Can you imagine a super hot shorty with a Cristal bottle up her ass? I sure as fuck can
G-ladiators - shot on location in San Salvador, make MS-13 the gladiators and 18th street the contenders and instead of the dumb ass padded sticks throw em some AR 15s. I would watch this so bad I'd forget about pussy for like half an hour.

Since I'm not getting any Gs for this shit right now imma stop spittin tv fire, but why do motherfuckers watch this reality shit? It can't be because they fuck sometimes, otherwise a bre's gotta watch like 30 mins of shit to catch some muffled screaming through a bitches bedroom door (I've had more fun with 5 mins of imagining Kari Byron off mythbusters naked). Y'all want reality? Two words for you bitches: Jeremy Kyle

Peace

The Katona debate

Aight,

Lets get this shit outta the way first; I watched one (1) episode of celebrity big brother because I didn't have the remote and the bre I was chillin with wouldn't change the fuckin thing. This shits only relevant because aside for your usual thin coating of Z list motherfuckers like piss on the outside of a public toilet there's Kerry Katona (aight the bitch is Z list as fuck but she's the only one I can remember). I hear a lot of shit about how people wouldn't fuck Kerry 'my ass would literally devour your cock' Katona, which is weak as fuck. Look at the bitch, she'd swallow that shit like an Iceland party canope platter (all for under £5). Even when she had a few extra pounds she was still insanely fuckable. Checkitout: I just google image'd her and found this photo which she's obviously not prepared for (I had to go on some celebrity site to get this ting so y'all owe me) -
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER TITS - and they're not even fake, you could get a good night's sleep on those bad boys and your neck would feel boss when you woke up in the morning, lick that tight ass stomach and get some A.M. violation goin on. Let me break it down a)She blatantly cooks a good breakfast - I don't think she got fat from Iceland freebies, she knows her way around a frying pan like a Nepalese sherpa knows Everest.
b)She knows how to party - she admitted she's been off her delicious tits on coke and prescription drugs (much love Wikipedia) so she's got a decent enough hookup and she'll probably let you do some sick shit when she's all fucked up
c)She's got a sense of humour - she smoked and drank during her pregnancies and got the British Heart Foundation and some infant death group all pissy which I think is fuckin hilarious.
d)You could teach her kids the dumbest shit - She leaves her kids for weeks on end (Celebrity Big Brother innit) so you could put all sorts of crazy shit in their heads. The little motherfuckers probably have foetal alcohol syndrome anyways so it's not like you'd feel guilty.
I hope I've convinced you that Kerry Katona is tight as fuck and would be hella fun to be screwin, I've convinced myself even more just writing this ting. I'd fuck Kerry Katona so much that the Oxford English Dictionary would have to invent some new shit up and when they invited me to the ceremony or whatever those word bitches do when they put somethin new in there I wouldn't be able to go because she'd still be having an orgasm.

I've read too much of that woman shit to get my facts straight for this one ('Hello' should be renamed to 'Get back in the kitchen and live your own life you emptyheaded ass bitch') so imma watch some K-1, drink a 40 and clean my guns. Nah for once I'm not talking about having a wank

Peace